How do you talk about people?
We’ve all heard the saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” It’s a phrase often recited by parents when their children experience the sting of name-calling or teasing. But words do have the power to build up or tear down. I was recently at a networking event where a participant shared a quote that made me pause: “Speak about someone as though they were there.” It’s a simple yet powerful guideline for engaging with others in conversation. But what does this mean, and why is it so important?
Words Matter - The truth is, that words can hurt. A thoughtless comment, a careless remark, or a judgmental tone can have lasting effects, especially regarding someone's reputation. This type of behavior happens all the time. It’s easy to get caught up in discussing people behind their backs, whether sharing a juicy piece of information, venting about a colleague’s behavior, complaining about a friend's actions, or passing judgment on someone we don’t understand. Think about it: Have you ever heard a rumor spread about someone, only to learn that it wasn’t entirely accurate? Or have you been on the receiving end of hurtful gossip? In either case, the damage done by those words can be hard to undo.
The Golden Rule in Action - The idea of speaking about others as if they were present is a modern-day application of the Golden Rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. But how do we apply this at the moment? First, pause and ask yourself, “Is the information I am sharing factual? Do I know this to be true?” This will eliminate harmful gossip. Second, can you rephrase your words? Rather than saying, “Jack effectively undermined my project during the meeting,” makes it sound like Jack was acting with bad intent. Rather, could you say, “Jack’s statement about our project being over budget was correct and I am worried that management will stop the project as a result.” In this case, you are stating a fact about what Jack said and explaining what you think could result.
Reflecting on You – What you say and how you say it reflects on your character. My husband and I recently were in the company of someone complaining about others and came away wondering what that person must say about us when we are not present. The experience made us think less of that person. Relationships in our personal and professional lives are important to our success and the companies that we work for. The words we use can build trust or tear it down.
I would venture that almost everyone can do some work in this area. Putting this into practice requires intention and can be hard work but is worth it.