When feedback stings
Not all feedback is positive. Whether solicited or unsolicited, sometimes you get feedback that is surprising and stings. You know what I mean if you have ever been stung by a bee. Your first reaction may be defensive. By objecting to the message, you aren’t seeing it for what it is worth. Next, you may want to validate what you did. This will sound like, “I hear what you are saying but this is where I was coming from.” In the end, perception is reality in the eyes of the person giving you the feedback. The last thing you might be tempted to do is ignore the feedback. This could negatively impact your relationship with the person giving the feedback and you run the risk of continuing whatever it was that brought about the feedback. So, what should you do?
First, accept the feedback and thank the person for giving it. The person took a risk in giving you the feedback as she did not know how you would respond. This is especially true if the feedback is given in person rather than via email. Next, stop and think about the feedback. You need to make sure you completely understand what is being conveyed, so, ask clarifying questions, if needed. At this point, there may be different directions to take. If an apology is required, make a heartfelt apology. You may need to change something or fix something and, if so, go and do it. If the feedback requires you to change a habit or do something differently, think through how you will do that and also how you will remember to do it. In this case, you could enlist the person to tell you when you are falling back into that behavior.
Let me give you an example. In a recent growth story, I used the term, “I am a get down-to-business kind of girl.” This solicited an email from a new reader who objected to my use of the term “girl.” The reader’s viewpoint was valid and suggested that I not use the term “girl” if I could not substitute it with “boy.” Despite it being constructive criticism, it was surprising, and it stung (which is likely a reflection of my desire to be liked). I could have ignored the feedback, after all, I know that I did not use the term in a demeaning fashion, and it was received via an email and not in person. What I did do was thank the reader for reading the growth story and for her constructive feedback. The reader took the time to express her opinion, and she did not have to do that. I also edited the post to say “gal” instead of “girl” as one could say “guy” instead of “boy”. My response resulted in a few exchanged emails that turned what could have been a negative situation into one that was, in the end, positive.
Accepting negative feedback in this way is hard and requires practice. Sometimes you know what to do but your emotions drive your reaction. If you find yourself in this place, stop, take a deep breath, listen, and seek to learn.